dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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