Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
