She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
