She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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