My Higher Power is John Stamos
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
