Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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