hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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