I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I need a beard to bite.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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