My friends, they love my intelligence
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize