we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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