I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
