Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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