Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
