I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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