so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
