The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
