What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize