i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
