Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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