My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
