just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
