I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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