I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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