i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
