You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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