if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize