ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
