he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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