I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you had me at cake vodka
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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