got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
