my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
