2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize