JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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