you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
