Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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