She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
