I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
