chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
