I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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