Christians are straight up FREAKS
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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