Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
