You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
