Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
