im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
