I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My dad is sitting where you rode me
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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