At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
