I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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