she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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