i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
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