i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize