I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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