I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
