is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize