If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
