I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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