Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
