I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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